It’s never very easy to write on this topic but I keep writing and I keep sharing because I know it helps to realise that you’re not alone. I’ve also come to realise how much writing my truth has helped me, and continues to help me, because my relationship with food and my body is fragile, complicated and requires regular attention and maintenance.

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Photo 1. My first baby’s first birthday party. Cambridge plan. BBQ and cake at home. I ate practically nothing. We went to Chester zoo too… I skipped the hotel breakfast and had a lumpy mint choc shake in the room instead. We didn’t sit down and have a picnic at the zoo, I didn’t buy an ice cream and I checked with the hotel in advance to make sure I could have plain chicken and salad for dinner.

Photo 2. My second baby’s Christening day. Scarsdale Medical diet. Beautiful pub buffet. I picked at a few bits, immediately felt guilty and starved myself the following day to compensate.

Photo 3. My third baby’s Christening day. Slimming World. I prepared the buffet for friends and family and ate little gem lettuce leaves with tuna in the kitchen on my own rather than have a plate from the buffet.

Years and years of my life. Show me a photo from any special occasion and I’ll be able to tell you what diet I was on and how much I loathed my body on a scale of 1 to 10. I will be able to tell you how many tears I shed when none of my clothes fit me but how I refused to shop for a new outfit. Partly because buying new clothes would mean admitting that my body was larger than I deemed acceptable. And partly because I didn’t believe I was worthy of new clothes, I didn’t deserve them, I wasn’t a size 12.

My Girls
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The size of my body has fluctuated my whole adult life. In recent years the fluctuations have become smaller and they are no longer the result of yo-yo dieting. The fluctuations are just life. Life ebbs and flows and I realise that there will be times when my body is larger and times when it will be smaller and firmer. I won’t always be training for a marathon or a triathlon. I won’t always be prioritising my training or eating to fuel my sessions.

If you’ve read my last blog post you will recall that running is most definitely a plastic ball for me at the moment and, inevitably, my personal struggles have meant that food has been a source of comfort – consequently I’ve gained some weight. But you know what? My heart hasn’t changed. My love for my family and friends hasn’t changed. My work ethic is unaffected. And I still deserve clothes which make me feel happy, confident and comfortable. And preferably, in rainbow colours. I will still put on my bikini and swim with my girls, because I realise now that when they look back they won’t remember how much their Mummy’s tummy wobbled, they will only remember the fun we had in the water.

I don’t know what else to say, except please, don’t let this be you. I wish with all my heart that I had learnt this stuff decades ago. There are no photos of my baby bumps. Only a handful of my girls’ baby photos feature me. I didn’t take any of my girls swimming as babies. I’m full of regret but, if one single person reading this feels a slight shift in the way they think about their body and food, that makes the regret easier to deal with.

I KNOW it’s not easy but you have to try and make peace with food – because you are going to have to eat it for the rest of your life. Let your memories of special days include how delicious that burger, ice cream or cake was, not how you worried about staying “on plan”. Buy yourself an outfit which makes you feel happy – the number printed on the tag to indicate the size could not be more irrelevant. Cut it out and don’t give it a second thought.

You deserve a rainbow dress. And you deserve to eat.

I’m here if you need to talk about this – I’ll always try and help as much as I can.

Lots of love.

Laura xxx